last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
