Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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