I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My day in three words: secret purse cake
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
