You made me cry and you don't even care
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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