The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
