I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
