i need an iv and a liver transplant
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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