I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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