you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
