Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
