I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
