In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
