how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
