I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
