I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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