i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
