Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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