he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
