I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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