Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
