Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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