just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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