I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
