He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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