1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
