I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
