proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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