I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
