Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The uberlube is also flammable
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
