i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
