so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
