he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
