is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
