just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
