Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
