I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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