i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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