just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
