did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
