my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
