If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
