my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
