I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
