it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
