It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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