if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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