I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
