dude i'm inner monologue high
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
