So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
