Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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