Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
